Help a Brother Out

This guest blog post is offered by Falon Stimpson, Regent Law 3L and current Family Law student:

Love shouldn't hurt…for men or women. All forms of media convince us that men are the primary perpetrators of domestic violence. Not only is a man immediately assumed the culprit in most reports of domestic violence, but it can be thought impossible for men to be on the receiving end of the abuse. Is it really true that women are not capable of doing some serious damage to a big, broad, and burly man? Indeed, it is not.

Men CAN suffer domestic violence in the same ways women experience domestic violence. Men have experienced rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner. Rape? Yes, it is possible for a man to be raped, regardless of his partner's gender. In fact, Virginia's rape statute is not gender specific, and protects both men and women from both male and female perpetrators. As Christian lawyers, God calls us to protect all His people, both men and women; the Bible does not call for women to be submissive to men, nor for men to be submissive to women, but that they should work together in a marital relationship as a team. When considering who is the victim in a domestic violence report, consider there are two sides to every story, and there may be ways it looks like the man is the perpetrator, but some may have a special way of making it look this way…a woman may have the man call the police on himself, or will call the police regarding something she may have started. When the police arrive, and see a woman weeping or hysterical, they may rush to judgment and assume the man was the culprit.

When it comes to men calling the police to report domestic violence against themselves, not only are they instantaneously assumed to be the abuser, but their treatment is disproportionate to women when the police attempt to resolve the problem. Men have been ordered out of the house, threatened with arrest, or actually arrested when a woman called, but when a man called, the same may not have been ordered of a woman. So, what is a man supposed to do to get some help? In the U.S., men are entitled to the same recourse as women; they may contact support organizations, seek refuge in a domestic violence shelter, or seek a protective order.

Men! It is okay that you do not want to hit a woman even if she hits you…PLEASE DON'T! Restraint is your grace, but a woman still should not be able to beat you up. Additionally, your logic is that you are strong, tough, and can handle anything, right? You think the little lady shouldn't be bringing you down, and you feel ashamed that she is. Well, this machoism isn't doing you any good, and you should not ignore the domestic violence being committed against you, because it has cost some men their lives.

This is not to say that women have not been victims of heinous crimes resulting from their male partner's domestic abuse. It is, however, to convey that men CAN and HAVE been mortally wounded by their female partners. Scholarly examinations of police reports on spousal abuse have found that offenses against men are "significantly more serious in nature," and 86% of them rose to aggravated assaults, and two-third of the events were serious assaults with a deadly weapon. Philip W. Cook pointed out that "women are significantly more likely to throw an object, slap, kick/bite/hit with a fist and hit with an object." If you can't believe this to be true, watch this.

This is a controversial topic, and many women may not want to hear about men being victims of domestic violence. However, it is hard to understand why men should not also be able to access the same legal refuge as women. Despite women and men often being divided on understanding each other's plight regarding this topic of domestic violence, they have one thing in common; they both have been victimized, regardless of whether women have been reported to be more often the victims of domestic violence. This disproportionate figure is beginning to tip a bit more toward men as domestic violence is more often reported by men than it ever used to be. Our society too often tries to stereotype and define a primary perpetrator to help adjudicate cases more quickly and solve crimes with haste. However, when domestic violence is at issue, both men and women have the same fear, and neither gender should be expected to hide, nor solve the problem alone.

The Virginia Beach community is recognizing this as Genieve Shelter provides refuge for both male and female victims of domestic violence. This demonstrates an increasing awareness of domestic violence against men, but refuge beds are still disproportionate to those allocated to women. Let us "love each other like brothers and sisters," and "Share with God's people who need help." From now on, let us remember men and women when we hear "domestic violence."