Restoration Beyond Rekindled Love

This post is offered by Sarahi Saucedo, Spring 2020 Family Law student and Regent Law rising 3L:

Rekindled love sounds like something out of a Nicholas Sparks book. The idea of a swirling romance of a young couple who falls deeply in love with each other and their love perseveres through all of the insane curve-balls that life throws at them captivates our hearts. Everyone wants that happily ever after, however life isn’t as smooth and easy as romance novels and movies make it seem.

According to the 2018 census data, there were “7.7 new divorces within the past year for every 1,000 women ages fifteen and over in the United States.” This is lower than the 10.5 divorce rate in 2008. However, the affects that a divorce can have on a family can be felt even after the court order is issued. There are resources to assist families, especially those that involve children, with managing family dynamics after a divorce. For example, Texas has a Co-Parenting Guide. It is amazing that such resources exist for the purpose of making such a monumental transition in children’s lives go as smooth as possible.

Now, what if life is really like the fairytales and the couple falls in love with each other again? Does that even happen in real life, or is it something that only happens in their children’s dreams?

According to Dr. Nancy Kalish, in her book Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance, approximately six percent of the 1001 couples that participated in her study remarried the same person. The probability of a divorced couple getting remarried to the each other is clearly quite rare in real life – but it does indeed happen.

Remarriage like divorce brings about a time of transition and change. As a daughter of two wonderful parents that divorced and remarried each other within the span of two years, I can assure you that family restoration doesn’t end with the second wedding ceremony. RESTORATION GOES BEYOND REKINDLED LOVE. I was thrilled when my parents remarried each other, as any child would be, but things were not always easy. Families cannot expect to go back to the same place that they were before the divorce. That’s simply not how it works.

There must first be an understanding of marriage because the manner in which a couple views and approaches marriage matters. (See Genesis 2:18, 24; Mark 10:9). Marriage was intended to be a covenant that lasts forever. That requires spouses to make that genuine daily decision to love each other. (See Ephesians 5:25, 33; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Husbands and wives, the pursuit of your spouse and dating-like relationship doesn’t stop just because you are legally married. Don’t let your marriage become a backdrop to everything else going on in your life. Continue to pursue each other. The smallest gestures can make the biggest difference. If you don’t know your spouse’s love language, I encourage you to find out because it may help you understand better what makes them feel loved and appreciated.

In remarriage, it is important to understand that the restoration of the marriage is not complete just because you had a wedding ceremony. Make sure you take the time to truly talk and listen to each other’s concerns, feelings, and pain from the previous relationship you had with each other. The last thing you want to do is re-start the marital relationship with a record of wrongs from the past.

Secondly, the way you speak to each other matters. (See Proverbs 15:1, 16:24, 21:23). These verses show the impact that words can have on your spouse and on yourself. Love and respect your spouse as you wish to be respected and loved. Although it seems like a simple concept, it can be the most easily forgotten in times of conflict. Speaking of conflict, keep in mind that it is you and your spouse against the problem - not you against your spouse. Marriage was created for the purpose of companionship as well and treating each other as rivals instead of partners is damaging to the relationship.

Lastly, if there are children involved, remember that it is your responsibility to educate and raise your children. (See Proverbs 22:6). Remarriage, although more joyous than a divorce, is still a huge transition for children to see their parents together again. They may even be skeptical that it will work out, especially if the divorce was messy and tense. Children pay attention to the shifts in family structures. Therefore, if you are one of the rare cases of remarriage, I encourage you to truly set the example of a healthy marriage relationship.  Your kids will thank you.