This guest post is offered by Regent Law student Terima Clark:
Imagine a family where the father works
hard to cover the needs and desires of the family. He picks the children up
from school most days and spends quality time talking to and listening to the
children. Imagine a mother who is supported, encouraged, and celebrated in her
educational and career pursuits by the father. Imagine a great friendship and
bond between the two. Picture the camaraderie that the mother and father have
as they work together to counsel, support, and encourage even the adult
children— they’re a team. Picture the
image of a father coming into the family home, daily, giving hugs to the mother
as a show of encouragement. He asks her about her day as the pair engage before
he does the same with the children. Imagine family vacations once a year,
exploring the world or just taking local excursions during the summer—something
like roasting smores while having a family-day at the beach. Imagine the father purchasing a newly built
home for the mother because it has always been her dream to move into a
brand-new house, all her own, where she holds the deed. Imagine a mother who does laundry for the
father to show appreciation for how hard he works to provide for and to give
generously to his family. Imagine family birthday celebrations and holidays
always spent together. Can you see
it? Can you imagine a mother who covers
the father and children in prayer each day and asks for strength so that she
may always be available to comfort and support the father if he ever faces an
illness or a traumatic life event?
Envision a father who provides for the mother in the event of his death
by designating her as the beneficiary on his employer life insurance policy and
retirement accounts. Imagine a mother who is appreciated and acknowledged by
the father for how she cares for the children and grandchildren. Consider a
family where the mother’s role allows the father to go into the world each day
and be the best version of himself because of what she contributes to his life
and to the family. Then imagine that he does the same for her. Imagine two
authentic but flawed human beings showing honor, respect, and kindness toward
the personhood of the other although they failed in their marriage and hurt
each other deeply. Imagine that this couple has been separated for nearly six
years and divorced for almost three. This is my divorce experience, but it’s
not the complete experience.
The
pain and healing associated with the betrayal and brokenness that’s caused by
disrespect, dishonor and infidelity is very real. Consider the torment of wife’s imagination
and the frustration of a husband who feels dishonored and disrespected during a
marriage. Imagine the dissolution and heartbreak of the wife feeling that
husband and God have let her down by allowing all of this. Imagine the
husband’s regrets. Imagine the feelings of unforgiveness and loneliness carried
by husband and wife though they push through those feelings each day to love.
Imagine them not letting their “feelings” dictate their actions and or rule over
their experience. Imagine them not having any examples of divorce on either
side of their families as far back as their great-great-grandparents and them
being the “trailblazers” in both their families for such a shameful outcome.
Imagine the shame of being divorced.
Imagine having had to forgive seventy times seven. This is my
experience.
Try NOT to imagine the pain of
healing from such a traumatic tearing away. It may seem an insurmountable
grief—but God. With God all things are possible. I’ve learned that He will bear
the weight of our grief and bring healing. He will show us ourselves and areas
where we needed correction and healing before we even met our spouses. He will
show us how we had made an idol out of our marriage and spouses. He will lead us
into an intimate relationship with Him and help us to strengthen our
relationship with Him. He will draw us close to His bosom that we may know
Him. He will give us peace and joy, help
us to walk in forgiveness, and help us to grow in patience. He will lead us in
a commitment to forgive. He will make a way for us to make the best of a bad
situation and allow us to provide a stable and loving family that our children
and grandchildren can count on. As we trust Him to hear our prayers, He will
accept our daily invitation to engage with our families and on their behalf
throughout each day. Imagine a wife’s testimony of overcoming with the help of
the Lord even through a divorce. Imagine the hand of God over her family
through all of it. Imagine her starting
law school while separated and her former spouse being one of her biggest
supporters, if not the biggest. Imagine her father passing away in her
1L year and her former spouse never leaving her side and providing a
much-needed respite after the funeral. Imagine them both having a conviction to
not ever expose their family to any extra-familial romantic relationships that
aren’t leading to marriage. Imagine the incidental benefit of the mother being
able to show her teenaged and adult daughter what it looks like to walk in
purity with integrity and honor before the Lord as a single woman—though she
has a loving and even sometimes affectionate relationship with their
father. Imagine her trusting God each
day to keep her family strong and united and loving each other even through the
breakdown of the romantic part of her marriage relationship into an essentially
“non-relationship”, legally.
Marriage covenants can surely be broken,
and there are legal ramifications to dissolving a marriage in this world, but,
I believe, under God’s amazing grace, it is possible for a divorced couple,
that has not remarried, to honor their commitment to their family and each
other in a non-marriage relationship and without the benefit of a sexual or
romantic element, as long as God allows it. I believe that, under grace, God’s
provision for, and endorsement of, a marriage transcends what the world can
dictate by adjudication. This would be
my philosophy as a Christian attorney faced with counseling a Christian couple
who is considering divorce.
So, the questions for me become; “Is God’s
grace sufficient to allow this mother and father to remain faithful to their
friendship and family in spite of a civil divorce, even until death, AND
“What authority does a civil certificate have over a spiritual covenant that
includes God?”
Navigating
in the Natural World
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be
ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. ---Matthew 10:16 King
James
Christians have to be able to survive in
this world and wisdom requires foresight.
ENTER NEW SPOUSE or romantic relationship— and everything changes. How far does this commitment to family and
this quasi – marital arrangement go when a new love interest is introduced into
the equation? As lawyers, we must certainly anticipate and counsel our clients
about the legal consequences of what could happen in this case, but as
Christians, I believe we should never lose sight that God’s ways are higher
than our ways and His thoughts higher than ours. I guess I’m saying that, in the Kingdom of
God, a marriage can survive a civil divorce and, as an attorney, I will counsel
TO that possibility in many circumstances because of my own experiences. I will
continue to look at marriage through the lens of hope and faith where my
clients are concerned, but I will also prepare them for the reality of living
in this fallen world and how to best navigate and come to terms with their
current circumstances, through forgiveness and faith and also by giving the
Lord authority over their emotions and mouths. It is working for me, so I
believe it’s my duty as a Christian and as an attorney to, at least, share this
strategy with my clients!
My whole life story is extraordinary, so
the way my a-typical, post-divorce relationship is panning out falls right in
line with my crazy blessed life. I don’t
always understand what God is doing in my life, but I trust Him with it, and I
take one day at a time forgiving myself for the part I played in my failed
marriage and also forgiving my former spouse his transgressions. It’s not
always easy to do, but it’s worth it. I am seeing the fruits of forgiveness,
faith, and discipline manifest in my life and it is just amazing.
Unfortunately, for many professing
Christians, the notions of forgiveness, faith, and exercising discipline over
hurt and offended emotions feel like foreign concepts. In other words, it’s
nice to read about when Jesus is doing it, but, when it’s time to apply what we
know, it feels foreign to our flesh, uneasy, as if it’s the wrong thing
to do. But, like we have learned in law school, it’s not all about knowing the
facts or, in this case, the truth, it’s about APPLICATION. The flesh is rarely, if ever, going to go
along with forgiveness, or faith, or discipline over our emotions. That’s just
the nature of our flesh and it is contrary to what Jesus teaches, which
is best for us. We KNOW better, so, as Christians, we must DO better. Proverbs
3:21 defines wisdom as knowing and doing. Now that I know better,
I do better. I hope to continue to use
wisdom in life and in law as a Christian attorney.
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