Lavender Marriages?

 

This guest post is from Aaron Wheeler, Regent Law Family Law student: 

Traditional marriage is on the decline. The Institute of Family Studies analyzed data collected by the U.S. Census Bureau from 1985 to present-day and found that in 1985, around 15% of 25-year-old women and 30% of 25-year-old men had never married. In 2024, the percentage of “never married” 25-year-olds jumped to around 80% for both sexes.  This trend is similarly seen in those who are 35 and 45, revealing that marriage rates are falling for all ages.

 

Despite women (and men) growing disillusioned with the dating world, the need for marriage still exists.  Marriage provides a host of benefits that increase perceived well-being.  For women who recognize the value of marriage but are discouraged by a dating world dominated by dating apps and “rude, demeaning, [and] sometimes cloyingly pushy” straight men, James Grieg has offered a solution: try a lavender marriage. 

 

Lavender marriages are generally non-romantic marriages between a heterosexual woman and a homosexual man. Historically, lavender marriages were designed to primarily protect closeted gay men. But Grieg suggests that modern lavender marriages can be used by platonic friends to adopt some of the benefits inherent in traditional marriage, such as companionship and financial security, as well as new benefits like “fashion advice.”  Citing studies that suggest romantic love is “doomed to fade,” Grieg argues that almost all traditional marriages essentially evolve into relationships like lavender marriages, where the couple remains together for companionship and not sexual attraction. Lavender marriages are, in the long run, indistinguishable from traditional marriages, believes Grieg. 

 

Grieg’s conception of male-female relationships through lavender marriages may seem strange, but his argument echoes a core truth deeply held within all humanity: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Genesis 2:18. Humans are designed to be partners. If they do not partner with God or a loving spouse in traditional marriage, they might seek a partner elsewhere. But these lavender marriages fail to provide the true partnership oneness that is inherent in committed, traditional, biblically designed marriage. Non-romantic lavender marriages reduce marriage to an economic and social transaction when husband and wife exist to “become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. This oneness is absent when spouses are permitted to find romantic and sexual partners outside of the marriage. If one spouse later finds someone they truly want to marry, the spouses must first divorce their “bestie.” These lavender marriages are simply security measures: providing temporary safety and stability—without oneness, commitment, or even love—until something better comes along.  While they may seem wise, they are really simply a façade trying to restore the benefits of marriage, rather than creating true family restoration.