How to Have Difficult Conversations With those you Love

This guest post is courtesy of Moriah Gaskill, Regent Law 3L:

How do you approach challenging conversations? When discussing estate planning, difficult topics appear inevitable. Yet, we often struggle with the thought of our own mortality and the mortality of the one’s closest to us. As a result, these conversations can evoke fear, stress, or a sense of isolation. There is something illusive and frighting about the thought of continuing life without the ones you love the most. But what if we could approach these discussions in a constructive and more comforting way?

In our Wills, Trusts, and Estates class, our professor, Mrs. Kohm, often spoke about the opportunity to leave a legacy by creating an estate plan. Legacies afford us the privilege of impact. As Christians, our lives, money, and time, are not our own, but instead, are instruments used to serve others and fulfill Christ’s purpose for our lives. Therefore, what it we made service and love the focus? We can support our loved ones in their estate planning process by extending patience and by listening to what is most important or concerning to them. Additionally, we can cultivate an environment where he or she feels both emotionally and physically safe to engage in vulnerable conversations. Just as a poet’s message can outlive their life through their work, similarly, a person’s mission can be reflected through charities, organizations, and persons in which or in whom they have invested.

How can you confront disunity or family discord when discussing estate planning? I believe one way we can unpack the dynamics of familial relations, and hopefully encourage more familial harmony, is by intentionally listening to the underlying interests and concerns of a person. What appears on the surface is not always fully reflective of the underlying emotion or motive. Our life experiences, positive or negative, values, past hurts, misunderstandings,

Actions, reactions, and traumas can have a significant impact on our relationships, which can not only affect our lifetime interactions, but also can affect the interactions between the loved ones left behind. Therefore, it is essential to have the right spiritual and mental posture when we engage in conversations that can be emotionally complex. We must seek clarity, encourage the truth to drive the conversation, validate legitimate feelings, and be prepared to propose creative solutions.

What if it is taboo to talk about death or incapacity in my family? Is there a way I can approach sensitive topics? Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that “life and death are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Our words have power, and one of the challenges I have found is discussing topics such as incapacity, life sustaining treatments, or funeral arrangements without making these discussions declarations or confessions. To combat this issue, one solution is to use articles such as “the” or “a” as opposed to possessive determiners like “my.” Another solution might be to create hypothetical scenarios before approaching the loved one’s views on the matter. These methods may help create some distance between the person and the topic being considered. Everyone’s estate plan and approach may be just as unique as he or she is, therefore, it is important to keep the person at the heart of the plan.

In conclusion, estate planning requires patience, diligence, vulnerability, perspective, introspection, and love. Although the conversations surrounding estate planning can be challenging, one’s legacy can be impactful. “Let your estate plan be your love letter.”