This guest post is from Julia Nista, Regent Law Family Law student:
Commitment
seems hard to come by these days. Heck, it’s hard to even choose where to eat
for dinner because we have so many options. But in the romantic and familial
relationship worlds, there are even more factors to consider. Culture,
socioeconomic status, geography, faith, on top of social media, swiping, and
all other factors – we have so many choices inundated into our daily lifestyles
that come at us from left and right, trying to affect how we approach
relationships, and ultimately, at the base unit of our society, how we approach
family. Blood is thicker than water, but when divorce is so easy to come by
nowadays, “two becoming one” (as is the Biblical proverb) seems to be a complete
overstatement. Nobody becomes one, or so we think, because we have options to
leave. Dating is the new single with a foot out the door, and marriage (as it
seems) is the new dating, because we have every easy way out. In Virginia there
are four ways to divorce – adultery, abuse, abandonment (all three by clear and
convincing evidence), and then of course the infamous no fault, which requires
a bit more in Virginia: one year of separation without cohabitation if there
are children, and six months without children. If you are divorced, you can’t
avoid the headaches of marital property division. If there are kids, then
custody is an issue. And don’t forget child support and possible spousal
support. But still – we insist on having our options. And not only are we
divorcing at high rates, but we don’t want to get married either. Because we
think those headaches are bigger than committing our whole lives to someone
without any ramifications of their leaving on a whim, with no legal protections
to anything a couple has built together. We want to have our cake and eat it
too. And we want to do it all without commitment, disregarding whatever
destruction comes in our wake.
According
to Forbes,
sourcing from the National Library of Medicine, 75% of marriages end because of
a lack of commitment, with 60% of marriages ending because of infidelity or
extramarital affairs. About half of first marriages end in divorce, and second
and third marriages divorce at a 67%
and 73% rate, respectively. As divorces happen at sky-high rates,
Americans are finding that it’s (supposedly) easier to be single – so they can
bypass all the legal and financial burdens that come with a legal marriage (or
so they think). Marriage has dropped by 60% over the last 50 years, according
to Axios.
People would rather stay single than get married because of a variety of
reasons, including a change in social attitude toward major adult milestones
like buying a house and having children, which seemingly one can do without
marriage, and without full, life-long commitment.
But
what we fail to recognize is what happens when one party decides they no longer
want to commit, and that party either has or does not have the title to a
house? Or who will pay rent when the other leaves and you’ve split rent for
months, or years? What happens when the other party is out financially? What
happens when inflation rates skyrocket, as well as the housing
market (as we have recently seen over the past 5 years)? What then
is the disgruntled, no-title, can’t make rent on a one-bedroom at $1,400 a
month party (about average in Virginia Beach, VA) to do? And we haven’t even
yet touched the topic of children between such a couple.
Now
back to divorce. Many people get married because they are in love. Many get
married because they believe it is a family or cultural duty. Many get married
for a variety of reasons. But when it comes to divorce, especially with the
onset of no-fault divorce, marriage can be undone for any reason. According to Dr.
Jane Anderson, a
Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco
who has practiced for 33 years, both children and parents suffer disastrous
effects of divorce. Those effects include children’s’ diminished capacity for
future competence and educational progression, children’s early sexual
experimentation, reduced household income, increased crime rates and substance abuse,
increased emotional and mental health risks including suicide, and many others.
We want to have our cake and eat it
too. We want the security of love, of family, and of finances. But it seems as
if we aren’t willing to do what it takes to make those elements secure in our
lives. We need to change that – fast. Dr. Anderson describes a great way as to what a medical
doctor can do to start fixing the hole that divorce and commitment issues has
dug in American society: “Given these tremendous costs borne by all individuals
affected by divorce, as well as the costs to society, it is the responsibility
of physicians—especially pediatricians, who care for children in the context of
their families—to advocate for public health policies that promote marriage and
decrease the likelihood of divorce.” We can individually do this too, in our
own families, and with our friends. Why don’t we slow down and truly consider
what our future would look like with another person? Why don’t we pray and ask
our families and friends for advice? Why don’t we seek wise counsel? We can do
this, and nothing is stopping us. In fact, we very much should, because rushing
into a marriage based on a chemical concoction of dopamine in our brains that
will fade in 6-18 months (known fondly as the “honeymoon” phase of a
relationship) will lead us down a destructive path. Or going into a marriage
based on some cultural pressure may bring us to a breaking point. Why don’t we
seek out marriages that have done it right, that have hit that 40-50 year mark where
the couple has built a love and has worked through their problems with the
knowledge that they are in fact one, after having become married under God and
in the presence of family and friends? We can stop wasting time and change the
trajectory of our society, of our future, and of our families’ future if we
choose the right way forward and start committing.
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